I sit quietly at night after the house is still and dimly lit and I exhale after the long fast paced day has gone to night… and I count my blessings… I am so grateful to God and all he has given to me. If measured by man they would consider it few but as I see it I consider my blessings to be wonderful and bountiful. This is all that I know and all that I want. This small space that is my home and call it my own… these tiny humans God has trusted me to grow, teach and nurture… a man that calls me queen and a boss that depends on me to save lives as a nurse when needed and a family whom I was born to. This is all that I want… and I want all that I have. Living in the moment and want what you have … But that is just advice from me to you the things that have satisfied my soul may not satisfy yours..
I live an extremely busy life. If I didn’t stay organized everything and everyone would fall apart. I work 60 hours a week, have a sewing business, a candle business and I home school my children. How do I do this? It sounds impossible right? I run my life on written schedules and so does everyone else in the house. I have a daily docket that I keep on me at all times that is for my personal use. My children have a schedule on the fridge for home schedules and one in their binder for school. I have a cleaning schedule that spreads the cleaning, shopping and laundry out over a five day span so nothing ever gets forgotten and everything stays clean and organized except the kids room and they are well….boys.
I have a budget that I use weekly as well. I plan my meals in 3 day intervals. I plan any outings even down to our bike rides in the park. I schedule time for myself and encourage everyone in the house to do the same. Once a week a sew 3 or 4 outfits that takes 6 hours and make 70 candles in 5 hours. I even schedule and plan my blogging times and subjects. It sounds very constricting but it has brought us freedom because we dont spend time finding things or heavy cleaning.
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I have been toying with the idea of leaving nursing for around 5 years now. I have took on new studies for doula and completed it. After all is said and done, I kept doing soul searching and still I felt as though I just wasn’t passionate about what I was researching, learning, achieving, or doing. So I have continued to look for new career path. I today took my first non nursing interview. It was an amazingly relaxing , informative interview. I was not expecting such a positive experience on my first venture out. The second was very good as well. What was terrifying at first has proved to exactly what I was needing to give me the courage to follow through with leaving nursing.
You see after many long years in the nursing industry, I get up and dread it from the minute I get up, the whole day through, and until I close my eyes. I am just so unsatisfied with nursing now that I felt as though I was getting no where like I had hit a ceiling and couldn’t go any farther but .. that was simply not the case, I could have at anytime just moved up a degree or to another area in nursing, which I did and still was not moved still I felt I had finished my time in nursing. This is not productive or helpful to anyone. I don’t just want to earn a pay check, I want to feel satisfaction in what I do.
I have been called back for a second interviews . I hope everything works out in a positive way. But even if they don’t choose me, I am no longer afraid of the unknown. I am truly excited and feel enthused about working again for the first time in a long time.
Standing there outside, the wind blowing my hair, the sun warming my face on this cool fall afternoon, I closed my eyes and inhaled the crisp autumn air. My eyes closed just feeling amazing, I opened my eyes and started to think.. and when I did.. I was ashamed.
I get up everyday complaining about my job, you see I am a nurse and I find it very stressful, the long hours, demanding patients, over bearing boss’s, never satisfied doctors. I complain that I don’t get paid enough, I complain about the drive there, the traffic I have to fight to get there, the pay and everything.. then I was ashamed because I recall articles and documentaries on women from other countries who are still not allowed to have career’s and work outside the home. They are not allowed to go to college like I was to earn a degree. I am ashamed that women have died trying to give me this freedom that I detest some days and take for granted.
I complain about the cost of groceries, the quality of the food I purchase. I even take one bite and if I don’t like it I will just dump it. I complain about having to clean the cabinets and fridge before we buy groceries. I complain that my children are wasting food. Then I am ashamed because somewhere in the world, maybe down the street, or across town, or in another city, or another state, or country there is a mother much like me who will not see her children eat tonight, or tomorrow and then I am ashamed.
I complain about my clothes, they are outdated, I don’t have enough, the don’t fit right, we have too many, the laundry is overwhelming I say at times. I complain that the kids have too many or maybe not enough. Then I am ashamed that some people will never have the luxury of having new clothes maybe never in their life time.
I complain snooty, holier than though church goer’s , I complain that Jehovah witness’s knock on our doors, then I am ashamed because somewhere in the world people will die trying to practice their religion.
I complain about my home, it is too hot, it cost’s too much, its small, it has outdated furnishings, my bed … I need a new one this one is killing my back.. then I am ashamed because somewhere maybe even close to me someone has no where to lay down at night and call their home.
I complain that we have no freedom anymore.. I complain that our freedom’s are being striped away, I complain that we have tight security everywhere, I complain if I speed and get a ticket. Then I am ashamed because somewhere in the world they will truly never know a life of freedom that I take for granted daily and they have no laws that protect them from danger they live in a corrupt government.
So today while I stood taking my lunch break from a job that pays very well, I got ashamed.. ashamed of all that I have been given that I take for granted every day, that the things I complain about are the very things someone is dreaming about and hoping for somewhere else in the world. Then I bow my head humbly and say a prayer of thanks for everything I have been given the things make up.. The treasure that is my life… and the treasure that I never want to lose ever….
The alarm started to sound as I reached over and turned it off with a sigh. I look at my husband in the dark as he sleeps and I dread getting out of this bed. I get up and put on the coffee and wake everyone up. Then the chaos ensues, I am going back to work full time today. Up until this point I have only worked prn for the last 4 years. Logan my 8 year old is going to day care for the first time in his life. I thought we were prepared but judging by the chaos in the house this morning maybe we weren’t as prepared as I thought. I look over and my husband as he is putting on his work boots and he has a look of defeat on his face. He says, I hate this that you are going back to work. I say “Its only for a while honey , until our business gets up off the ground.
My 17 yr old daughter is asking where is my dark jeans? Daniel is asking where is my belt ? I don’t like these jeans, Logan says. Yesterday we went to tour the daycare Logan would be staying in, he liked it but his questions were Do I have to eat out of the same dishes the other kids eat out of? That is gross he declared. When will you be to get me momma? I am scrambling around the house trying to keep up with my mommy and wife duties and trying to get ready for work. I was cooking breakfast, finding clothes, calling daycare, giving instructions as to chore list after school, no one wanted our lives to change like this. It will be more work for everyone and everyone will be losing time doing what I usually do.
Matt took the boys to the car, while I finished getting myself ready, On the way down in the elevator Desirae reaches over and squeezes my hand and with tears in her eyes she says “I don’t want you to do this, I am so worried it will mess up our family, it is a disaster when you work, and I don’t want you tired and stressed all the time, nursing is so hard mom.” I return the squeeze to her hand and say” Its only for a while until we get our business off the ground then I will drop down to prn again, our family needs me working now more than me at home.”
We get in the car and everyone is quiet and somber as we drove to the bus stop. I recall the quiet mornings when I cook everyone breakfast, and help them out the door, I clean, do the errands, work on our business , have dinner done when everyone gets home. It is a peaceful kind of life. We will all miss that. But I remind myself as I drive to work, Its only for a while.
Final thoughts from Simply Mommy:
While I respect how hard I and other women have worked to gain respect and equality in the work force, I also respect what we have given up as well, we have given up the peaceful security of us being at home caring for our family and children. I wish it were easier to find a balance that would be right for everyone. I know we think we have but somehow when I hear my kids and husband’s point of view, we are not finding that balance for them. I know this because my family is very vocal about the inconvenience’s of my working outside the home. But I remind myself and them once again Its only for a while.